Gulliver’s Travels

Warning: much Hobbit hate is enclosed herein.

Against my better judgement, I logged in to LotRO last night, prodded Burhhelm, my Rohirrim Champion, into wakefulness, and marched him off to the Shire.  Yes, it’s an odd-sounding name, but Saxon names have always clicked with the Rohirrim and the men of Dale in my mind.  Hmm… digression after the second sentence.   Back to the Shire.

The Shire is packed to the gills with small rodent-like creatures called Hobbits who insist on burrowing into the ground like a bunch of gophers.  I’ve never been a fan of Hobbits, obviously.  I recognize them as a plot device – they represent the hopelessly incompetant and/or foolish people of the world who need to be protected from dangers that they don’t even notice.  When you see them engaged in acts of idiocy (Where has one of my sheep gone?  I wonder if those goblins 10 yards over yonder have seen it.  Perhaps you could pursue an inquiry for me, my good man?) all you can do is grit your teeth and try to assist them while wearing a veneer of gentility.  Underneath that outer appearance, you are, of course, raging at the absurdity of a shepherd who insists on courting certain death by hovering on the edge of a goblin raiding party which is, most likely, casting hungry glances at said Hobbit.

One of my friends thinks that I’m a bit unfair in my judgment of Hobbits.  He believes that Hobbits represent the completely helpless and innocent people of the world, but I disagree.  The Scourging of the Shire (yes, I really have read the books) demonstrates that Hobbits are more than capable of defending themselves.  I think they are simply too moronic to recognize danger until it is too late.

Anyway, I spent last night slumming it with the idiot pygmies of Middle-Earth.  I finished a few Deeds, but the best part was the abundance on minerals in the Shire.  No one goes there to mine.  The prattling and drooling Hobbits probably chase off other people.  If all goes according to my evil plan, I’ll grind out the Shire quests and Deeds by this weekend, and head off to deal with the Elf and Dwarf starting areas to do the same.  For all of their respective androgyny and grumpiness, Elves and Dwarves are at least aware that Arda is not completely safe.

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One Response to “Gulliver’s Travels”

  1. […] Koljarn has a grudge against the little folk, and it’s about time someone took a stand against their harsh tyranny. […]

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